1. Sign on a railway station at Patna:
(Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khaana free).
2. Sign on a famous beauty parlor in Mumbai:
(Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother).
3. Sign on a bulletin board:
(Success is relative,More the success, more the relatives).
4. Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Mumbai:
(We need your heads to run our business).
5. A traffic slogan:
(Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they never will be old).
6. THE BEST ONE BY INDIAN ARMED FORCES:
(Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them & God .
**********************************
A Lady visited A Bar for the First Time,
She Sat on the Table in Front of the Bar Tender..
A Guy at Her Left ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single"
A Guy at Her Right ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
The Bar Tender Looked at the Lady & said: And You..??
Lady replied: "Rupali Deshpande, Married..!!"
******************
My life is like a romantic comedy except there's
no romance and its just me laughing at my own
jokes..!
****************************
When Columbus was 41, he found America.
When I was 14, I found Naughty America.
Generation gap is not an understatement!
**************************************
Ladki: Is mirror ki kya
keemat he??
SHOPKEEPER : Rs.1000 !
.
.
Ladki: ohh.. bahut mehnga he..
kya isme koi khas baat he??
.
.
SHOPKEEPER: aap isko 100
floor se niche girao,
.
ye mirror 99 floor tak nai tutega...
.
.
.
Ladki :Wow..PACK kardo bhaiya!
*********************************
- 'C O N D O M S'
==========
Imagine If All The Top Brand's Start Selling Condoms, They Won't Even Have To Change Their Tag Line..
==========
'Pepsodent' Condom:
Raat Bhar Dishum Dishum..
==========
'Colgate' Condom:
Ye Hai Hamara Suraksha Chakra..
==========
'Nokia' Condom:
Connecting People..
==========
'MRF' Condom:
Extra Rubber Extra Mileage..
==========
'Moov' Condom:
Ah Se Aha Tak..
==========
'Mirinda' Condom:
Zor Ka Jhatka Dhire Se Lage..
==========
'Godrej' Hair Dye Condom:
Kato Kholo Aur Lagao..
==========
'Sprite' Condom:
Bujaye Only Pyaas Baki All Bakwas..
==========
'Tata Sky' Condom:
Isko Laga Dala Toh Life Jhingalala..
==========
The Best One..
==========
'M-Seal' Condom:
Ek Tapakti Boond Aap Ki Kismat Badal Sakti Hai...!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine If All The Top Brand's Start Selling Condoms, They Won't Even Have To Change Their Tag Line..
==========
'Pepsodent' Condom:
Raat Bhar Dishum Dishum..
==========
'Colgate' Condom:
Ye Hai Hamara Suraksha Chakra..
==========
'Nokia' Condom:
Connecting People..
==========
'MRF' Condom:
Extra Rubber Extra Mileage..
==========
'Moov' Condom:
Ah Se Aha Tak..
==========
'Mirinda' Condom:
Zor Ka Jhatka Dhire Se Lage..
==========
'Godrej' Hair Dye Condom:
Kato Kholo Aur Lagao..
==========
'Sprite' Condom:
Bujaye Only Pyaas Baki All Bakwas..
==========
'Tata Sky' Condom:
Isko Laga Dala Toh Life Jhingalala..
==========
The Best One..
==========
'M-Seal' Condom:
Ek Tapakti Boond Aap Ki Kismat Badal Sakti Hai...!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- This joke is dedicated to all those in Sales.
A Man was waiting to cross d HighWay but was hesitant because of speeding cars.
Suddenly d Yumdoot appeared & said, "Bachcha, Tu aise hi Darr raha haI...You are going to live past 90 year of age. Dont let such things scare you ever.
The Man moved forward with new courage, got hit by d first car and died.
In Heaven, He asked d Yumdoot as to why did he lie.
The Yumdoot answered, "Sorry man, Year Ending pressure tha, Had to achieve my targets."
Happy Year Ending.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God to the guy : Who r u ?
Guy : I am a rickshaw driver from Mumbai.
God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest : Who r u ?
Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.
God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.
Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold & I spent all my life preaching good get cotton.
God : Results, my son, results.
While you preached, people slept, when he drove, people really prayed...
“Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Interesting thing about Friday in 2014
4/4/2014 Friday
6/6/2014 Friday
8/8/2014 Friday
10/10/2014 Friday
12/12/2014 Friday
Jo calendr 1997 ka tha,
............ wahi,,,
Calendar 2014ka hai,
Date & Day even Festivals
are same,
Kaun kehta hai,
Ki, ................
Gujra hua waqt wapas nahi aata??.
I hope, I am the first who inform u...
Enjoy the year of 1997 in 2014....!
So
We are back in90s
---------------------------------------------------------------------
- Dhoom 3 me kaam karke Aamir khan ne
Engineering Student ko Kya sandesha diya..?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bhale hi aap Aamir ki tarah
College me Top kar lo (3 Idiots)
Par Aakhir me,
Aapko Job na milne par Chhor hi ban na Padega
------------------------------------------------------------------
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bhale hi aap Aamir ki tarah
College me Top kar lo (3 Idiots)
Par Aakhir me,
Aapko Job na milne par Chhor hi ban na Padega
------------------------------------------------------------------
- Interviewer - aapko kitne saalo ka experience hai ....????
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
Santa - sir, maine kabhi saalo ko try nahi kiya,
lekin mujhe 2 saaliyo ka experience he.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
Santa - sir, maine kabhi saalo ko try nahi kiya,
lekin mujhe 2 saaliyo ka experience he.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"
The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.1300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi charges Rs. 15000,
Taj charges Rs.14000 ,
Le Meridian charges Rs.12500.
We do it here for Rs.1300,
Punch to niche hai
..
..
..
..
..
I get that 1300, back from MediClaim
----------------------------------------------------------
One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See Below for the question Paper
Q.1. Your Name........ .........
(2 MARKS)
Q.2.. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
True story from IIT Bombay
....Batch 1992...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" a male voice answered."How may I help you?"
"I hear you give a great massage, and I'd really like to experience one," the woman said.
"Well, actually, I should just be straight with you. I'm in town, I'm all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips and everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great," the man replied, "but you need to press 9 to make an outside call...this is Hotel Reception"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
एक अजीब सी हालत हैं तेरे जाने के बाद ,
भूख ही नहीं लगती खाना खाने के बाद
मेरे पास 8 समोसे थे जो मैंने खा लिए
1 तेरे आने से पहले 7 तेरे जाने के बाद
नींद ही नहीं आती मुझे सोने के बाद
नज़र कुछ नहीं आता आँखे बंद होने के बाद
डॉक्टर से जो पुछा इसका इलाज़ , देकर 4 टैबलेट बोला
खा लेने 2 जागने से पहले 2 सोने के बाद
बिंदास मुस्कुराओ क्या ग़म हे,
ज़िन्दगी में टेंशन किसको कम हे,
अच्छा या बुरा तो केवल भ्रम हे,
जिन्दगी का नाम ही कभी ख़ुशी कभी गम हे।
---------------------------------------------------
Husband: "Umm Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff. "I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."
Wife, "Who is Susan?" X_X :]Y :|
---------------------------------------------------------
Beta aaj hum jahan ladki Dekhne ja rahe hain Tum wahan kuch bolna mat. Warna ye log bhi mana kardenge.
Beta: Theet hai.
Ladki walon k ghar jab Ladki chai lai to Ladka chai peetay hi bola:
Dalam hai Dalam hai...
Ladki foran boli: Oyyyyyyye Phoot maar Phoot maar.
lab ne bana di joli..
---------------------------------------------
Sumona: Kyun? Ab kya hua??
Kapil: Aaj Phir se puchh raha tha… “Meri beti se shaadi karke khush to ho na?”
Santa: Sir pura nai aata hain, thoda last ka pata hain, bas.
Sir: Thik hain, jitna aata hain utna bolo.
Santa: ".....and this is called Energy" ;;)
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Bola:
“Ji Nahin, hum cockroach ko itna laad-pyar nahi karte! Aaj powder laga denge to kal sala DEO mangega!!”
Salesman Fainted !!
------------------------------------------------------------------
GARIB: HUZUR MAZAAA hi hoga, mehnat hoti toh wo bhi aap hami se KARWATE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Old - Jab geedad ki maut aati hai toh wo sheher ki taraf bhagta hai
New - Jab kisi actor ki movie aati hai toh wo Comedy Nights With Kapil ke set ki taraf bhagta hai
----------------------------------------------
- A couple went to a sex therapist office at CARE Hospital.
The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"
The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.1300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi charges Rs. 15000,
Taj charges Rs.14000 ,
Le Meridian charges Rs.12500.
We do it here for Rs.1300,
Punch to niche hai
..
..
..
..
..
I get that 1300, back from MediClaim
----------------------------------------------------------
- Why Planning is important?
One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See Below for the question Paper
Q.1. Your Name........ .........
(2 MARKS)
Q.2.. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
True story from IIT Bombay
....Batch 1992...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- In a ” Mental Hospital ” a journalist asked the Doctor:
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not ??
Dr: Well, We’d fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the BathTub…
Journalist: Oh, Obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dr: ” No, A normal person would pull d drain plug !!
Please go to bed No.39; We will start further investigations”
You also thought that normal person will use a bucket….
Now please go to bed no. 40
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr: Well, We’d fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the BathTub…
Journalist: Oh, Obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dr: ” No, A normal person would pull d drain plug !!
Please go to bed No.39; We will start further investigations”
You also thought that normal person will use a bucket….
Now please go to bed no. 40
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- A lonely woman checked into a resort and decided to call one of the numbers she'd seen advertising regarding male escort services and sensual massages.
She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" a male voice answered."How may I help you?"
"I hear you give a great massage, and I'd really like to experience one," the woman said.
"Well, actually, I should just be straight with you. I'm in town, I'm all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips and everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great," the man replied, "but you need to press 9 to make an outside call...this is Hotel Reception"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
- If you want to be happy,
Stay away from these four coats
White Coat- Doctor,
Black Coat- Lawyer,
Khaki Coat- Police,
Andthe most dangerous..
"Petticoat"..!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
White Coat- Doctor,
Black Coat- Lawyer,
Khaki Coat- Police,
Andthe most dangerous..
"Petticoat"..!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- **दुखी ग़ज़ल**
एक अजीब सी हालत हैं तेरे जाने के बाद ,
भूख ही नहीं लगती खाना खाने के बाद
मेरे पास 8 समोसे थे जो मैंने खा लिए
1 तेरे आने से पहले 7 तेरे जाने के बाद
नींद ही नहीं आती मुझे सोने के बाद
नज़र कुछ नहीं आता आँखे बंद होने के बाद
डॉक्टर से जो पुछा इसका इलाज़ , देकर 4 टैबलेट बोला
खा लेने 2 जागने से पहले 2 सोने के बाद
बिंदास मुस्कुराओ क्या ग़म हे,
ज़िन्दगी में टेंशन किसको कम हे,
अच्छा या बुरा तो केवल भ्रम हे,
जिन्दगी का नाम ही कभी ख़ुशी कभी गम हे।
---------------------------------------------------
- Husband calls his wife....
Husband: "Umm Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff. "I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."
Wife, "Who is Susan?" X_X :]Y :|
---------------------------------------------------------
- Maa apne Totlay Bete se:
Beta aaj hum jahan ladki Dekhne ja rahe hain Tum wahan kuch bolna mat. Warna ye log bhi mana kardenge.
Beta: Theet hai.
Ladki walon k ghar jab Ladki chai lai to Ladka chai peetay hi bola:
Dalam hai Dalam hai...
Ladki foran boli: Oyyyyyyye Phoot maar Phoot maar.
lab ne bana di joli..
---------------------------------------------
- A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy & the grandma shouts,
"Degree! Put that toy back."
A woman who is also shopping hears this & asks,."Degree...?? Is that his name?"
The grandma replies,"Yes, I sent his mother to the University & this is what she brought back!
----------------------------------------------------
A woman who is also shopping hears this & asks,."Degree...?? Is that his name?"
The grandma replies,"Yes, I sent his mother to the University & this is what she brought back!
----------------------------------------------------
- Kapil (to wife): Tere baap ki Jale par namak chhidakne ki aadat gayi nahin na?
Sumona: Kyun? Ab kya hua??
Kapil: Aaj Phir se puchh raha tha… “Meri beti se shaadi karke khush to ho na?”
------------------------------------------------------------
- Sir: Define Energy ?
Santa: Sir pura nai aata hain, thoda last ka pata hain, bas.
Sir: Thik hain, jitna aata hain utna bolo.
Santa: ".....and this is called Energy" ;;)
-------------------------------------------------------------
- Problem with Boys
“They can make u believe that they love you, even when they don’t”
&
Problem with Girls
“They can make you believe that they don’t love you, even when they really do!”
--------------------------------------------------------------
&
Problem with Girls
“They can make you believe that they don’t love you, even when they really do!”
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Salesman: Sir, cockroach ke liye powder loge kya?
Santa Bola:
“Ji Nahin, hum cockroach ko itna laad-pyar nahi karte! Aaj powder laga denge to kal sala DEO mangega!!”
Salesman Fainted !!
------------------------------------------------------------------
- AMEER admi ne garib se poocha : batao SEX MEHNAT hai ya phir MAZAAA.....
GARIB: HUZUR MAZAAA hi hoga, mehnat hoti toh wo bhi aap hami se KARWATE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
